Autumn Atticweapon #47
Eugene, OR — “Police arrived at the Roller Barn late Saturday night to find a scene of unparalleled destruction and carnage left in the wake of yet another dominating performance by Autumn Atticweapon. Amidst the chaos, rival skaters were witnessed wandering the scene with a look of confused defeat on their faces.nDetective John Hamm described the crime scene as the trademark Atticweapon attack. We’ve seen this so many times before,” he lamented. “She shows up at a roller derby bout, brutalizes her opponents, and skates off with a ton of points from the jam line, she’s unstoppable; we may have to call in the National Guard.”nWitness Ben Dover, of Cottage Grove, OR echoed those sentiments. “I ain’t never seen nothing like her before. Can one hold back the raging torrent of the river? Is it possible to stop a marauding alpine avalanche? She’s a force of nature, I reckon.”nNevertheless, Detective Hamm urged the skating public to remain wary of Autumn Atticweapon. “Consider her armed and dangerous,” said Hamm. “You know what they say, AK-47! When you absolutely, positively have to kill everybody in the room, accept no substitutes.”
Favorites: Speed, dancing, competition, beer, Obama
